I took a road trip today to do some research for your reading pleasure. I ended up somewhere over the mountains, way up high; my destination was a store I had heard of once in a lullaby. OK, I didn’t exactly hear about it in a lullaby but the place is called “The Wizard of Bras” so I thought I might try to play with as many puns as possible. But before I talk about my trip, it’s time I came clean about something.
I was off to see the Wizard for more than just research. It’s time for me to buy new bras because I’ve had a problem in the past couple of weeks. My boobs have been growing at an alarming rate in a way they never have before. I wish I could say that this was due to some magical pill I had invented or because those “I must, I must, I must increase my bust” exercises I did in the sixth grade finally paid off but the truth is: this half of the Big Boob Blog is pregnant. And, as a result, I’ve been popping out of almost every bra I own from expensive to cheap. I’m three months in and it’s time for me to get a handle on all of this extra boobage.
So, back to my wizardly experience. I knew I could not handle my new situation on my own and I’d heard those who go to see the Wizard leave with something more useful than a heart or a brain or courage: the elusive perfect fitting bra. So, I followed the yellow brick road across several miles and freeways until I found Oz. When I got there I was sort of disappointed; I was expecting the Emerald City and what I found was a hole in the wall on the side of the highway that sold everything from bras to feather boas to crotchless panties to a game called “Pin the Macho on the Male.” Oz was a little trashier than I thought. Still, their website said they carried some of my favorites like Fantasie of England and Wacoal so I figured I’d stick around.
Just like in the movie, there was a long wait to see the Wizard. I had to fill out a form with my needs and was told it would be 30-60 minutes before I would be served. Perhaps this is a tactic to weed out those not strong enough to face the Wizard? It didn’t matter to me. I write a blog about boobs and I have a reputation to protect so I wasn’t going anywhere.
When my name and number were finally called, the Wizard, (who turned out to be a petite blonde named Holly) escorted me into the back and got down to work with a tape measure. I explained that I had been fitted many times and that I wear a 38DDD but I knew I had grown a little bit. As it turns out, that would be the understatement of the year.
When the Wizard was through measuring and sizing me up with her eyes, she made her ruling. “I’m going to have you start by trying a 38G” she explained. That’s right, you read that correctly. A 38G. G as in girl. G as in grandiose. G as in GOOD GOD how did I ever GET so big? I remember my shock and horror when I moved up from a DD to a DDD for the first time. I enjoy having big boobs but I never wanted them freakishly big. This news was almost too much to take. . .and then the Wizard hit me with the kicker: “in the next few weeks and months, you’re only going to get bigger and bigger.”
I don’t know what I was expecting when I went in there but not this. After a few moments of shock, I gathered my thoughts and emotions and held my head (and boobs) high. OK, I said. I’ll try anything you’ve got. The Wizard disappeared and returned with a 38H. H as in the letter that comes after G. Why were the letters going up? Had I grown a cup size while she was picking out bras behind the curtain? The Wizard explained that she wanted to put me in something with room to grow. Fortunately, I was swimming in the H and we agreed it wasn’t necessary. . .yet.
I tried on a bunch of other suitors, many of which made me way too pointy. I told the Wizard I wanted more of a molded and less of a Madonna fit. Some of the next few were pretty but just too lacy. I was beginning to give up hope. Then, another woman behind the curtain emerged with the winner. Much to my surprise, it was a bra I blogged about just a few weeks ago: the Fantasie Smoothing Balcony bra. Only this time instead of a DDD or and E, I took home two in a 38G. If I couldn’t have my normal size, at least I could have an old friend by my side who was ready to take on my ever-expanding chest. As an added bonus, I also picked up an awesome black sports bra made by Anita.
When it was all over, I decided me and my boobs needed a nap. I woke up to find that my day wasn’t a dream at all and I now have not only a heart, brain, and courage, but the support I need to get though the next six months in style and comfort. I’ll keep you updated on my progress and my sizing. And even though I just cleaned out my bra drawer to make room for my new purchases, I’m keeping my name (3D) for now. There’s only so much change one boob blogger can take in a day. I may not be in Kansas anymore but I am just not ready to admit I’m in G-town yet.